WARNING: Contains my gushy insides and is filled with “I”. Written as much for myself as any readers, so read at your own risk.
Until very recently I thought the only kind of artist I could be was an escape artist.
Today, I know who I am.
It used to be that I’d wonder, if who I am is always chasing after change, and what I want changes frequently, do I change? Whenever things got emotionally heavy or scary or frightfully mundane, I would plan a big change to escape my situation. One of three things would happen: the plans would go flat because they were hastily and dispassionately put together out of being flustered to get out, they would fall through because I would compromise and lie to myself to get back to being comfortable, or they would be actualized because my desires were rooted in my truth. In those last instances, instead of the fire under my ass coming from insecurity, it came from gleaning a bit of my purpose and chasing it after having recognized something was decidedly unharmonious in my gut. (Phew.)
This truth is something I had no concept of containing or being made of, and so I certainly did not know how to live by it. Unfortunately, I spent (too) many years in a situation where I backed down time after time from that chase because of an attachment. Out of fear, I was dishonest with myself and it took leaping into a career I was passionate about to give myself the confidence and clarity needed to thrust myself out. In that job, I got to feel what it was like to be un-co-dependent (which I am differentiating from ‘independent’), how strong my leadership skills are, how intuitive and empathic I am, how working towards a purpose higher than myself satisfied my being, and tested the limits of my emotional and physical strength. I surprised myself. There have been times since then that I have failed myself, failed partners and failed friends because I made totally selfish or completely selfless choices, or worse yet, tried to please everyone and ended up with a dual compromise through which both parties ultimately ended up unhappy. Imbalance was my state of being; always in flux and only really at home with myself in bouts of solitude or a few choice moments with a few choice people. In the past year I have begun to learn a set of skills to aid me in figuring out how to be honest with myself, filter out desires stemming from attachment and aversion and honor those desires that pump straight out of my heart. I’m working on closing that distance between my heart and mind by relying less on logic as a go-to and trusting the ol’ gut.
So as I was alluding to in my last blog, I feel that I am doing nobody any good in living by fear of discomfort, rejection, uncertainty, judgment, or any other attitude that does something other than provoke action towards doing what I truly desire. Now, with patience, I can realize that I actually don’t desire to hide myself away (along with everything I create), become attached to a place or person, or plan my life into oblivion and rarely Do the Things. I’m suddenly and severely weary of carving little chunks of time for myself to recharge so that I can get back to whatever everyday life is. That changes now. Sure, this is a declaration. Hold me to it if you please. I can carve out a groove for myself without planting myself in one spot to do it.
Do not misinterpret; I have not surpassed fear, but have made the decision to do so and will continue making decisions that put me in positions that challenge those emotions of insecurity, shame and general lack of trust. (Similar to love, I’ll never know if trusting myself is a skill that will just click at some pivotal moment or if I will be learning to do it throughout my lifetime. I believe they both take maintenance, and perhaps one relies on the other. How can I love if I don’t trust? How can I be trusted if I don’t love?)
Thank you to anyone and no one who reads this, even if I never know about it. These entries will soon contain more substance. 😉 <<Perhaps the only emoji I will ever allow myself? We’ll see.